The darkside of one of my biggest Fears
I'm going to be very honest here and this is terrifying me to write this so bear with me pleases.
I'm a people person who and if you know me well you know this. But I sometimes will be apprehensive to get to know new people and I've been this way since i was about 12 and there are quite a few reasons for this and I'm not going to say all of them in this post but there are a lot of times as young teenager that i felt rejected by people that I looked up to or that where my so called friends. This had a massive impact on my life and it didn't become aren't to me until i was 14 when i was sitting in a since test when the classroom began to feel like the walls where getting closer to me and it got harder to breath the my hands started shaking. i was so scared i had no idea what was happening. my teacher at the time was a little strange well i thought so but he tolled me to go outside and get some fresh air. So I did and that's when I began to dread going to school, youth, school, church and any social gatherings. So my life became more and more how do i keep from being around people and this is where my new ways of coping came into my life. I would run as far and fast as I could away from people who might just be able to see me and see that I'm a bad friend to have and that I wasn't worth being around.
This way of thinking meant that i had very few friends and when i got close to people i would bolt the other way if the even tried to be my friend i would shut the door. this kept going until about 6 months after i moved to Blackheath and i saw that no everyone that i meet is going to think that I'm not worthy to be in there company. So i began to build friendships with people that i hope will last for the rest of my life.
but there is a but here I've started to think like that again and this time I'm not going to let it take over my life. this time I'm going to put my trust in God and what he has planed for me and as far as getting to know new people it still terrifies me but i know that if I don't I wouldn't get to know the truly awesome people that are in my life at the moment.
I'm a people person who and if you know me well you know this. But I sometimes will be apprehensive to get to know new people and I've been this way since i was about 12 and there are quite a few reasons for this and I'm not going to say all of them in this post but there are a lot of times as young teenager that i felt rejected by people that I looked up to or that where my so called friends. This had a massive impact on my life and it didn't become aren't to me until i was 14 when i was sitting in a since test when the classroom began to feel like the walls where getting closer to me and it got harder to breath the my hands started shaking. i was so scared i had no idea what was happening. my teacher at the time was a little strange well i thought so but he tolled me to go outside and get some fresh air. So I did and that's when I began to dread going to school, youth, school, church and any social gatherings. So my life became more and more how do i keep from being around people and this is where my new ways of coping came into my life. I would run as far and fast as I could away from people who might just be able to see me and see that I'm a bad friend to have and that I wasn't worth being around.
This way of thinking meant that i had very few friends and when i got close to people i would bolt the other way if the even tried to be my friend i would shut the door. this kept going until about 6 months after i moved to Blackheath and i saw that no everyone that i meet is going to think that I'm not worthy to be in there company. So i began to build friendships with people that i hope will last for the rest of my life.
but there is a but here I've started to think like that again and this time I'm not going to let it take over my life. this time I'm going to put my trust in God and what he has planed for me and as far as getting to know new people it still terrifies me but i know that if I don't I wouldn't get to know the truly awesome people that are in my life at the moment.
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